Coming to terms with reality

Let me start by saying that I know some people will read this and think I'm a selfish, vain person, but this is my reality. This is something that I've had to work through, and since I know I'm not the only one who's felt this way, I'm choosing to be honest about it.

When I was little, I used to imagine what having a baby would be like. I imagined looking at my husband, saying those words we both looked so forward to hearing, "It's time", having tons of painful contractions but managing (with the help of an epidural) through them, then finally pushing and delivering our beautiful baby. Never did it cross my mind that I would have an emergency c-section. The thought of being cut open used to bring me to tears, literally. Naive? Definitely, but I've been terrified of the procedure since the day I learned that it existed. So I'd convinced myself that I wouldn't fall into that category. Everything would go perfectly... I just knew it.

Fast forward to the day before I went into labor. I had my 38 week doctors appointment, and the topic of conversation was how I so desperately wanted to avoid a c-section at all costs. She assured me that making it to 3 cms, 90% effaced was a good indicator that things would go as I'd planned.

Things didn't go "perfectly". I ended up with an emergency c-section, and it's taken me a lot longer than I thought to come to terms with it. I felt instant dissapointment the moment the doctor told me what had to happen. After the procedure was over, I was the happiest person in the world to have such a beautiful, healthy baby girl, but I couldn't shake the dissapointment. I felt like a failure. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror, because when I saw the incision, I'd immediately burst into tears that would last the rest of the day. I didn't feel like a woman. I felt like my body hadn't been able to do it's most important job. I felt like I'd been robbed of the experience of delivering a baby. I couldn't tell anyone I'd given birth, because I hadn't. Someone had cut me opened and removed the baby. It was a procedure, not a natural happening. I was depressed about the fact that I couldn't physically get out of the bed to get my daughter when she was crying. I had to depend on the nurse or Jack. To top it off, I had this ugly scar to serve as a reminder of my failure for the rest of my life, along with the possibility that any future children would have to be c-sections as well.

I reached out for the support of husband and my online groups, and boy did they respond. I ran across a post written by a mother whose story was similar, and what she wrote put things into perspective for the first time for me. Here is part of her post "Ode to my Scar" :

C-section scars are very unique. They are the only type of scar that is instantly

recognizable...They are the only scar whose creation saved two lives instead of one,

and they arre a physical sign of a mother's willingness to do anything for her children-

even go under the knife.

A cesarean scar is a reminder that all of the planning in the world can't make things

go the way you want them to.

It is a souvenir of one of the happiest days of a mother's life.

She's an amazing person to realize the positive in something so many people, just as I did, find negative. Once I finally got over my embarrassment and opened up to Jack, he made me realize the fact that I'd overlooked the entire time. This was never my plan to make. God knew exactly what needed to happen to make sure Lily was safe and healthy in the end. He helped me realize that I AM a woman, and he's made me feel stronger than ever. I faced my biggest fear head on, but I couldn't have done it without God by one side and my husband by the other. So I now choose to look at my scar, and my experience, with a bit of pride. Unlike so many others, I got the chance to experience my water breaking, looking at my husband and confirming that yes, it was time, experiencing contractions, back pains and all, and in the end, God allowed such a procedure to exist to save my baby's life, and essentially mine as well. I indeed have a souvenir of the happiest day of my life.

Our beautiful experience...

We had a photographer capture the entire delivery process, from the time we got to the hospital until a few hours after our baby girl was born (besides being in the operating room). She took 406 pictures! I've narrowed them down and made this video of our journey.

1 month old... and Happy Easter!

Our baby girl is now a month old! Hard to believe... and bittersweet. She's growing so fast. Every day we experience something new together. Here are some updates from her doctors appointment this past Tuesday, and some new developments:

**As of Tuesday, she weighs 8 lbs. 11 oz. That's up from 7 lbs. 1 oz on her birth day!

**She's still 21 inches long.

**She can still fit in most of her newborn outfits, but we've also started swapping out for the 0-3's. Some of them are too big still, but I give it another week before we'll have to retire her newborn collection.

**She's still eating around every 2-3 hours, and if given a bottle (of breast milk, of course) she'll usually gulp down around 3 ozs.

**Sleeping at night is hit or miss. Some nights she does wonderfully, only waking every 2-3 hours to eat then going right back to sleep. Other nights she likes to party. ;)

**She's smiling so much now! She also recognizes Jack and my voice. She'll turn all the way around to follow our voice!

Sleepy baby

Easter Outfit

Our happy family

My smiling girl. :)

3 years ago today...

...I promised to spend the rest of my life with my best friend. 3 years later that promise means more to me today than I ever imagined it would. The overwhelming love I felt when I said "I do" has mulitipied, and continues to multiply every single day. It's so surreal to think how our lives have changed for the better in 3 short, but glorious, years. Only God knew how absolutely breathtaking our lives would be together, and I thank Him for that every day.

What started as a mere "crush" 5 years ago....

evolved into something remarkable... and a year later we were engaged.

Our beautiful wedding overlooking river rapids. (Which I barely noticed - We were completely oblivious to anything but each other) :)

Then my life started... and my husband gave me the ultimate gift... our beautiful daughter.

Only time will tell what's in store for us for the next 3 (or 50) years, but as long as I have Jack by my side, I know it will be glorious. Happy Anniversary babe!!

You're going places baby!

Thanks to Kendra @ Loving Baby M for this award!

The rules are simple, you have to blog about where you want to be in 10 years and then tag 10 fabulous blogs that are worthy of the award... so let's get to it.
Where do I see myself in 10 years?...

10 years.... seems so far away but I know these next ten years will fly by. Our baby girl will be 10, in 4th grade, and I pray she's healthy and happy. We'll hopefully have 1 or 2 more little ones running around. I'd be happy if we were in the same house, working the same careers, because I'm happy where we are with both of those. Jack and I will be celebrating our 13th wedding anniversary, and we'll celebrate being together for almost 15 years. I hope we'll get the chance within the next 10 years to travel, to give Lily the chance to explore the world and enhance her childhood memories.

On to the tagging! Im nomitating:

Alyssa @ Adventures of the Stay at Home Mom

Melissa @ The Boltons

Lindsey @ Memoirs of a House Wife

mkemily @ Little bit of US and Baby, too!

Sarah Lynn @ Amour de Bebe

Newborn pics: My sweet, sweet girl.

Here are a few proofs the photographer posted on her blog. My sweet Lily. :) She did so good during the shoot. I think she likes having her picture taken.... at least I hope so. ;)

On another note: She's three weeks old today! I can't believe it!

She's all girl.

Hair bows, headbands, baby legs, and shoes, shoes, shoes. Theses are a few of her [my] favorite things. ;) I'm enjoying this time when she's not yet interested in pulling out her adorable hair bows and tugging at the headbands. I know that day will come... shortly... but for now she'll be sporting some sort of accessory no matter where she goes. After all, she's a girl. :)